I Want Better. I Want Worse. I Want You.

When She goes quiet, my body reacts before my mind does. My chest tightens, my thoughts race, my hands hover over my phone like it might confess something if only I stare hard enough, I begin to reread old message, and ultimately start to spiral into a dreaded over-analyzation of reasons She might not like me anymore and that’s why I’m being ignored. I tell myself I just want to feel connected. That I want to be considered. That I want consistency in hearing from and seeing Her. That I want reassurance. These wants feel innocent and justified. They feel like the bare minimum of uncontroversial boundaries.

And then there is the other want. The want that whispers that if She neglects me the pain is earned. Part of me wants to be deprioritized, wants the confirmation that my needs and desires are truly meaningless when it comes to O/our dynamic. The twisted comfort of falling asleep crying if I’m not send a goodnight message and wake up in hurt and aching in desperation for any scrap of attention and love from my Mistress.

It’s a very confusing dichotomy that lives inside me. I want Her to text me back. I want Her to plan a visit. And somehow, when neither happens to the extent that fulfil my desires, I want to be told that its what I deserve. That maybe I need a reminder carved into my skin of just how absolutely worthless I am.

I wonder if it is some kind of mental illness or trauma that made me this way. That has distorted and corrupted my desires in love. That has taught me this sick hunger for abuse. But this is starting to feel very emo now and that’s not really the intend of this blog. Not a manifesto on the art of suffering nor some strange tribute to Edgar Allan Poe. Not a cry for help either (my Mistress is actually very kindly helping me out in finding ways to solve some of these experienced hardships that are the result of just a Long Distance Dynamic, and I’m very grateful for Her help – although if you, dear reader, do have suggestions on ways that can help for the times when meeting up is difficult and busy lives come in the way of texting often, please do write a comment).

For those who have followed this blog for a little longer, I have written in the past about how my Mistress likes to introduce theme’s for certain months of the year. Well, this month’s theme is based around the tv-series W/we are watching at the moment called “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” and within that theme I’m the Mormon housewife. Anyway, from what has played out in the series so far (no spoilers) some of the wives really have an attraction to (mental) abuse and toxicity as well so the above feels quite appropriate in that context (even if it isn’t officially part of the themed seasonal tasks). Although, with a very important side note that my Mistress is actually really amazing and sexy (which cannot be said about the guys these people in the show are in love with but maybe I am a little biased), and also I like my abuse to be consensual.

Definitely still trying to figure my feelings out though, but maybe I want to be held closely loved strongly, and also at times just feel like an abandoned, worthless, emotional wreck.