Recently a topic has been brewing in the back of my mind, making me think about it during dull moments on the train or between tasks at my work. Basically what I was wondering about was, what attracts me so much to Consensual Non-Consent, Total Power Exchange, and just 24/7 full submission to my Mistress. I do not know if there is a simple answer, or at least if there is,.I was not able to distill it during my opining on the topic. But, I did have some interesting ideas that might be worth sharing.

Some context might be needed first though. I guess it would be apt to describe me as more of a slave rather than just a submissive. I long for the control of my Owner in just about all aspects of my life.

I want for my physical appearance to be fully dedicated to the preferences of my Mistress. If She would want to change anything about me it would delight me to be able to make any modification to please Her. This includes everything: the clothes I wear; the way I wear my hair and what haircut I have; exercise in case She wants my body to be toned in a specific area; decorations like tattoos, branding, scars, piercings and other body modifications; my posture and anything else I might have missed relating to the way I look. (During my proofreading I figured that maybe chastity fits in with this too).

I want my Mistress to be the focus of my spiritual life as well. I have a little altar next to my bed and every morning I wake up and get on my knees in front of that altar and pledge myself to my Mistress. My Owner is the Goddess I serve and my religion. Obedience is the main tenet of my religion, and my Goddess is to be worshiped and made offerings to the best I am able to. Luckily for me, my Goddess communicates Her desires with me without having to use any intermediaries too and I do not have to wait for any prophets or messiah to find out the rules I should follow to be a good servant. I do not have, and have never had any other religious affiliations, but there is a desire in me to serve a higher purpose or goal, and this way I am fulfilled in that need.

Furthermore, the way I behave myself I think is best decided by my Mistress as well. The way I express myself through my actions, both conscious as unconscious, I want to be conditioned and trained into my muscle memory in the way my Mistress wants me to. To give some examples, my cooking and grocery shopping habits, my bedtime and what types of media I consume (movies and shows). Since my relationship is mostly long distance it makes me happy to be monitored on it too and that my Mistress gets to pick my grocery list when She wants to, and gets to see proof of my receipts (and an overview of my spending in general each month), gets picture evidence of me making the meals She chose for me, and watches me sleep on a camera set up at my bed. It feels fitting for me to get my daily habits changed to the way my Mistress likes me so I fit in the best with how She wants to enjoy life.

An other aspect of my life is of course my emotional and mental state. This I feel like is a little harder to give up control in. But I feel like I want my Mistress to be able to choose for me if She thinks I ought to be suffering, be freighted, be happy cozy and loved or be deprived of attention and feel neglected to make me feel how dependent I have become on my Owner for my happiness and just how much I need Her.

And lastly, my social life. Should I be allowed to see friends, family and if yes how often – or should to only person in my life be my Owner. And having control on this like Spyware that can monitor my phone and laptop so it is clear if I try to cheat to arrange a meeting with someone or answer a phone call or text message if I was not permitted to do so.

So with all that being said, to me my Owner is my purpose in life. Surrendering myself to Her fully is living up to my purpose as a devout, good plaything. But it is also a little unsettling to realize how strong these feelings are. Especially for some of the aspects of my life that I am keen on being controlled by my Mistress, it is as if I am just desperate to, well… what might generally be seen as a toxic relationship. But then again it feels like these are things that truly make me happy, and getting slapped and bruised by Your partner is not something that in a vanilla relationship is okay either – and I do not see any problems with that in mine. Therefore, why would I think something is wrong with me if I want my Mistress to have the power to control my social life?

I guess because some of these things are so stereotypical cult-related. And in my mind people that join cults are making a bad choice doing so. I mean I ought to probably be lucky that my Mistress snatched me up to become Hers otherwise some messed up cult leader might have indoctrinated me quite easily. Still though, getting insanely aroused from thinking of my Mistress placing severe restrictions on my life, at times, makes me feel creeped out by my own fantasies.

I know I am owned by someone who has my best interest at heart, so I have the luxury of not really having to worry about much bad things that could happen to me. The choices my Mistress makes are well thought out and good for me. Something I am very aware though is how much time I take up, being under this scrutiny and control requires quite a lot of time investment on the side of my Mistress to, well, manage me to such an extent which is an aspect that makes me a little bit hesitant to ask for more.

Another reason that is a bit hard to ignore is what if due to whichever reason I might find myself alone again. Maybe my Mistress becomes bored with me, or desires a monogamous relationship with someone else at some point, or the distance is too much or… well any number of reasons that might pop up in my thoughts if I am feeling a little insecure. Whilst those thoughts are a good motivation to try to serve my Owner the absolute best way I can, in the context of all of the above it would mean that I would lose pretty much all my direction in life which is a scary thought.

Now for the big question though, why do I want all this control taken away from me? I do not have a definitive answer, but as the title has spoiled already, maybe my love language is just slightly taken to the extreme. I’m not sure if Gary Chapman had this in mind with “acts of service” as one of the five love languages, but oh well on the whole its a bit of pseudoscience anyway. And that being as it may, I do think there is some validity in these acts of service (to an exorbitant level) being the way I express my love to my Mistress.

The more extreme the control I am willing to surrender, and then following up on doing so also act accordingly, accepting and obeying how my Mistress changes my life – the more I get to show my dedication. As the casual reader, You might still think I belong in an asylum or similar, but oh well, at least for me it is enough reason to feel a bit more at comfort in having all these quite intense desires and my sense of purpose in the world knowing its such a large part of how I express my love and I can neatly fit it in an academically tested (but not verified) framework of love language categories.