A guide on how to find someone in the BDSM universe

There are several places to find a play partner(s) with similar interest.

Places created for BDSM:

Discord – App

• Discord is an app which is build up for creating gaming chat forums (servers) or for the educational space, however there are a long list of BDSM forums there as well. Be cautious to join an 18+ server, as there are servers where they do not stop minors from joining. To protect yourself and them, therefore invest time into verifying and joining a good BDSM server. Here is a list of some of them. Personally recommend “the lodge” as this is one of the safest servers, and have a educational side to it as well. If meeting someone, please make sure you share live location with a friend and let them know who you are meeting with.

Fet life – App

• Fet life both comes in app and as online forum form. Here you can chat with other people in the BDSM community and receive updates on upcoming events near you. Again be mindful of minors here and do what you can to keep yourself and others safe. If meeting someone, please make sure you share live location with a friend and let them know who you are meeting with.

BDSM local Munch – Real life location

• You can check your locate reddit pages or fet life to find a mesh near you. Munch is social and calm gatering where you can chat with other people in your near community who are into BDSM. Please note that these are not necessarily dating events, so not everyone is looking for a partner. Recommend you go looking for friends and see what comes.

BDSM & Kink clubs – Real life location

• There are dedicated clubs for BDSM. If you go, please either share live location or go with a friend. Do not go with strangers and make sure you vet them. Plenty of life left to meet for a coffee the day after if you come across someone you would like to spend more time with.

Reddit forums – Online

• Reddit like Fet life, does have some BDSM forums in its more fun corners, where you will be able to find someone who has similar interests. Reddit can be filled with haters, so look after your mental health and only stay in fun and safe groups. No need to spend evenings upset arguing. Reddit is doing better at ensuring that they are keeping out Minors, but still keep yourself safe.

How to begin the conversations:

Starting out calmly by introducing yourself. A good format is, to cover the basics. Consider the following:

1. Prefered name & Nicknames
2. Location -but not too specific here-
3. Sexuality & identified gender
4. Kinks
5. Limits
6. Aftercare
7. Safeword
8. About you/interests

Dont ever try and impress someone by saying you like a kink that is a limit or that you are super cool and dont need a safewords. Anyone who has been in the kink community for over 5mins will know someone not wanting a safeword has a “red flag”. In addition, not being clear about limits will only hurt you and in turn your play partner(s) physical and mental health.

Try and look out for “red flags” in others:

• Someone who states that they do not need a safeword, or have no limits. Most people have preferences and everyone needs to be able to stop something that is not consensual.
• Someone who is not willing to discuss how they need aftercare BEFORE the play begins or someone who doesnt think they need aftercare.
• Someone who does not offer and provide aftercare. It does not matter if you are a brave and strong dom, you still need to have aftercare. It is not just for subs.
• Look out for someone who does not respect your beliefs or does humilation/degrading without first checking whether its allowed and checking what word use is allowed.
• The BDSM community can sometimes attract people with poor mental health. They seek out self-destruct or ‘punishment ‘babysitting’ through this space, when really they should seek out therapy and professional help. It makes sense that if you struggle to cope with life that you seek someone else who tells you how to do it, or if you are very angry you seek an outlet, so keep your eyes out for this. Everyone is allowed care and consideration on a bad day, but do not dedicate yourself to be someone else’ psychologist.
• Someone in it for a financial gain -unless you are into that. then just set your limits and enjoy-
• Keep yourself switched on to look for people who goes quiet or silent treatment when they dont get their way, or because they do not care enough to check in and tell you they need space. Clear communication is key, but everyone have different levels of how frequent they communicate. Setting an expectation on how frequent you communicate and how to safely give each other space is good.

How to talk kinks

Do not start out looking for someone who likes the exact same kinks and have the exact same limits you have. That will make this improbable. Their main kink they want to play with should not be your main limits and reverse ofcourse, as this will mean you or your play partner(s) are not getting fulfilled. If you have a minor kink you do not feel needs to be part of the dynamic and its your play partner(s) limit, then it works. Same in reverse.

There are fun kink tests out there you can take and share with your potential play partner(s) to start the conversation, or you can go through the kink index in here and share with your future play partner(s) what looks interesting.

Starting by exploring a kink in its milder form is the best approach and if you enjoy take it up a level, until you locate the level you like it on.

As time pass and the dynamic develops, allow for regular conversations to check if your play partner(s) or you have come across new kinks you want to explore.

With safety in mind:

When meeting new play partner(s), start by meeting in public spaces and vet through. Once you feel comfortable that you have vetted the person (not on the same day) you can arrange a smaller play session. Sharing your location and who you are meeting with a friend you trust is a good idea, and set a time where the friend should be concerned if you have not checked in.

The first play should not include extreme activities, and all bondage should be in a format where you/play partner(s) can easily get out of the bondage.

Have your safeword agreed, and ensure you have discussed limits and aftercare required ON BOTH SIDES!

If you have anywhere you found your play partner, not mentioned, or have any good advise, please share in comments!